


But never who I am, never who I am (Things Dean Winchester will leave behind)

by merle_p



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-16
Updated: 2007-12-16
Packaged: 2017-10-07 18:01:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/67735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merle_p/pseuds/merle_p
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because there is no house, no apartment that could tell the story of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But never who I am, never who I am (Things Dean Winchester will leave behind)

**Author's Note:**

> Written December 2007.  
> Takes part towards the end of the third season. Spoilers up to 3.07.  
> They are not mine. The title is a quote from Jason Bell's song "The Magician".  
> This was written for [](http://inlovewithnight.livejournal.com/profile)[**inlovewithnight**](http://inlovewithnight.livejournal.com/)'s [songfic challenge #2](http://inlovewithnight.livejournal.com/1095292.html#cutid1).

He'd never thought much about what they were doing, when they climbed through yet another window into a dead guy's apartment and went through his stuff. Had sighed impatiently when Sam picked up a half-read novel from the nightstand or stopped to take a look at the paintings on the walls.

Lately, though, he has been thinking. Has started to look at things differently – no longer simply clues that help them solve their case, but signs that tell him who _lived_ in those rooms. Has begun to understand that what they are looking at is everything that's left of a person's life.

And he wonders.

Because there is no house, no apartment that could tell the story of _his_ life. Because he doesn't know what he will leave behind - and who will look at it and remember.

**I.**  
A rickety glove compartment full of tapes.

Some are self-made, some are gifts. A few of them are stolen. And some of them don't even work any more. Metallica's _S&amp;M_ got wet, and years ago, the player chewed up the tape of Iron Maiden's _Best of the Beast_.

But Dean can't bring himself to discard them: because he refuses to believe that things are worthless just because they are broken.

**II.**  
A pile of passports, badges, identity cards.

Most of them he's used at least once or twice, but there are still a few he never showed. There's his picture on all of them, but the names differ. He isn't even sure if he's actually still got one with "Dean Winchester" on it.

It's not important. He's been so many persons, had so many names, but for the people that matter, he's always tried to stay the same.

**III.**  
6 Books.

They don't have room in the car to keep books, and he never read as much as Sam anyway.

Sometimes, he snags one of the cheap paperbacks that Sam buys at gas stations or supermarkets, mystery novels and best sellers, before Sam leaves them behind in one of the motel rooms they are staying in.

He is almost sure that Sam doesn't know about the small box he keeps in the very back of the Impala's trunk. And he hardly ever takes it out.

Bram Stoker's _Dracula_, Washington Irwing's _Sleepy Hollow_ and Oscar Wilde's _The Canterville Ghost_: He read those to Sammy when he was little. Jack London's _White Fang_ was a gift from Pastor Jim, and Sam gave him Mark Twain's _Huckleberry Finn_ \- "For Dean" is written on the empty second page.

He can't remember where he got Dante's _La divina commedia_. But it's there, on the bottom of the box, and of all the books he owns, it's the only one he's never read.

**IV.**  
One child he thought was his, but isn't.

And two kids he doesn't know of, but are his.

**V.**  
A silver ring. (Assuming they'll let him take it off when they come to get him.)

Dean had just turned 16, and they were checking out a silversmith's store somewhere in Arizona, killing time, waiting for their father to return.

"Try this one", Sammy had said and just slipped the ring onto his finger. It took Dean a while to realize that it was stuck.

They left the store in a hurry, Dean's hand buried in the pocket of his threadbare jeans. Their father didn't even notice the difference.

That night, Sam kissed Dean for the first time, and Dean never tried to take the ring off again.

**VI.**  
A picture of the Grand Canyon.

Cut out of a folder and tucked away in his wallet, between a condom, a phone number without a name (He could call and ask, he supposes, but what would be the point?), and a photo of Sam and himself, slightly out of focus, taken on a whim in a photo booth somewhere in New Mexico.

**VII.**  
Three broken hearts.

Sure, he likes to have fun, but that doesn't mean he's cruel. He's always tried to make his intentions clear, explained that he was just passing through. Sometimes, people got hurt anyway.

There was this girl in New Jersey, in 1993. He'd promised to say goodbye, but his father had had other ideas.

There was that guy in Mississippi, in 2004, who begged him on knees to stay, just for a little while.

The third heart he has yet to break, and it's the only one he'll feel actually guilty about.

**VIII.**  
A box with old photos.

They are yellowish and corrugated, from spending too many years in their old house's clammy basement. Battered, torn, just like the people in them. There's the one with all four of them: "The Winchesters: John, Mary, Dean and Little Sammy" is written on the back, and Dean doesn't even know who took the photo and wrote down their names.

His favorite, though, is taken in 1983, just after Mary and Sam came home from the hospital. Sammy had been crying for hours, but he'd been quiet the moment Mary put him into Dean's waiting arms.

In the picture, he sits in this ugly armchair, holding Sam on his knees, whose small face is wrinkly and red, and looks straight into the camera, challenging and proud.

**IX.**  
Sam.

It's not that he regrets the deal he's made. It's not that he would do it any different today.

It's just that he thinks that maybe he did this because he couldn't stand the idea to be without Sam for the rest of his life. And that eternity in hell will last pretty long, especially without Sam.

And it's not that he thinks that Sam wouldn't be able to get over him. He always thought that without him there, Sam would finally be able to move on, to live the life he dreamt about.

It's just that Sam is changing.

It's just that Dean wonders if not maybe, by the time he crawls into hell, Sam will be already waiting for him.

And he isn't sure if this is something he can feel sorry about.

**Author's Note:**

> You watch every move  
> and call it slight of hand  
> you know it's what I do  
> but never who I am, never who I am
> 
> started on the street  
> cards and dollar bills  
> shuffling my feet  
> never could be still, never could be still
> 
> and I am an orphan man but ain't we all  
> I can make myself disappear  
> I am an orphan man but ain't we all  
> I could be somewhere worse than here
> 
> I had a bride  
> sawed her in half  
> couple people cried  
> but most of them just laughed, most of them just laughed
> 
> and I had a son  
> strong of hand and will  
> taught him how to run  
> but never how to steal, never how to steal
> 
> I am an orphan man but ain't we all  
> I can't make myself reappear  
> I am an orphan man but ain't we all  
> I hope there's somewhere worse than here
> 
> I was called amazing  
> I make folks believe  
> With nothing in my pockets  
> And nothing up my sleeve
> 
> I am an orphan man but ain't we all  
> I can make myself disappear  
> I am an orphan man but ain't we all  
> and I know there's somewhere worse than here  
> worse than here  
> worse than here
> 
> The Magician (Jason Bell)


End file.
